Captain Pike's Short Adventure

Greetings!

So, as some of you know I'm an avid haiku-er. Some friends and I have collaborated and created a genius series of haiku based on our interpretation of Star Trek. I must warn you...it gets a little mature in some places. I don't think it is done yet, but here is what we have thus far. Some of it doesn't go together, but it is a funny series nonetheless.

Star Trek Haiku by

M, Guy, Tony, Al,

My seventh heaven
will be Susan Oliver
on Rigel VII. -M

To ride the seventh
Rigel, the youngest Klingon son
Left Susan breathless. -Guy

Orion Slave Susan:
Jeffrey Hunter strikes out
Bring on Will Shatner -Tony

One starship captain
has seen a slave girl with the
allure of Vina,

who moves and talks se-
ductively. She has to wear
something, doesn’t she? -M

The fish net stockings
With the grace of a fine wine
Embraced her smooth legs.

It was in that moment,
That the space between his heartbeat
And her step was closed. -Guy

“I’m getting,” nonplussed,
Uhura rose: “something faint,
about fishnet hose.”

“The captain reports
he needs some lube,” barked Scotty.
“I’ll beam down a tube.”

“What could cause such a
planet to rock,” asked the helms-
man, “with explosions?”

“And where did all those
ants come from?” asked Spock. “Oh, my!
Those are Talosians!”

Sounds of intimate
relations shot through subspace
communications.

“Who on Talos,” gasped
Number One, “has our TV-
code captain undone?”

Captain Pike’s voice came
over the set. “Don’t send a
rescue team just yet.” -M

"I LOVE FISHNET SOCKS!"
His limbs flailed in wonderful
sweet hot ecstasy.

Green dancer in shock,
never fully recovered.
Therapy she sought. -Al

The captain in our
version of the show will bold-
ly tell what’s in store:

“To explore new moons,
shamelessly go where few men
have not gone before.”

“You’d think,” she said, “he
had never seen a girl wear
fishnet hose before,

and it drove him wild
that I was green. Talosians
lined up at the door.” -M

"The ant men came but
they weren't the only ones to,"
the slave girl explained.

"He went on and on
saying I was the only
one." She sighed sadly.

"And then he used me
as a human shield when the
Talosians burst in."

"'My pants!' he cried and
shoved me in their way before
they could get at him.

There he was stark nak-
ed, searching for his pants as
they took him away."

They said: “What a scene.
What a blast! One of Desi-
lu’s all-time whizzers.”

Sadly, their ad-lib-
ing never got past Gene Rod-
denberry’s scissors. -M

"Cut!" he shouted and
cut out the roll of film, mad-
ly laughing loudly. -Al

Susan peered in the
cutting room door, where yards
of film were sprawling.

“It isn’t as though
I’ve not been there before,” she
clutched the jamb, bawling. -M

"Not to worry, my
dear," the cutter spoke cutting,
"If you do something...

...for me...I'll give you
a raise and a place as the
star in a good film." -Al

The naïve intern
Cuts to skip the chase, lays down
amongst the cast off.

From her underwear
She picks out the cut film bits
Waiting for her star. -Guy

Captain Pike, who has
been snoozin’ in frames the cut-
ter left lying there,

leaps up and cries, “Don’t
dump me, Susan! Put me back
in your underwear!”

“I’m sorry, baby,
to be so snappy--” she flicks
him against the wall--

“but no man can make
me happy who’s just sixteen
millimeters tall.”

Slipping on her slink-
y dress, she quickly leaves the
cutting room, annoyed.

“We’ll always have Ri-
gel, the fortress!” he shouts from
the dim celluloid. -M

'It's not the size, it's
the prize, that counts!' the captain
barked his frustration.

He looked at the floor.
'Too short, too short,' he bemoaned
with small man envy.

To live a clipped life
Is to perceive in microns
Be seen in inches. -Guy

They gave Pike a com-
mand outlandish: the U. S.
S. Micrometer,

off to patrol the
punyverse, to track an ob-
ject of odium

out to infect the
universe: M’s space harem,
the Plasmodium,

where M relaxed in
the captain’s chair and watched the
screen and munched hors d’oeuvres,

fingered the new girl’s
flaxen hair, and sipped sour
mash to calm his nerves.

“Something odd,” exclaimed
Margo, slim, headphoned: “It’s not
from the supply post.”

Pike’s voice roared on the
radio: “Say your prayers, M.
Your spaceship is toast!”

“I don’t see a thing,”
drawled the navigator, a
brunette named Jeanie

(no man yet could sate
her). “Whatever is out there
is teeny-weeny.” -M

It was Outlandish
The ship the captain leapt to,
His half pike half cocked.

At night he would dream
In small screen black and white
Of being a king —

The one and true king
Wearing see through pyjamas
two sizes too small. -Guy

“I heard that!” bellowed
Captain Pike, in his Cardin
see-through pajamas.

Over the speakers
came old music like the Pa-
pa’s and the Mama’s.

A yeoman whose green
eyes flickered brought Pike a tall
stem of Beringer.

“If that were a gun,”
she glanced and snickered, “it would
be a derringer.”

Pike, enraged, grabbed her
by the collar. “How would you
like to go with them?

I’ll send you, if you
think I’m smaller, and you can
join the girls of M.”

She rushed to the
transporter room “Oh,
what’s a girl to do?”

she sighed, then saw, lined
up to the little room, the
women of the crew!

Smiling, she could hard-
ly blame them. They, too had heard
the legends of M.

The head of Star Fleet,
fury in his face, glared down
from the podium:

“We must capture M’s
crew, wipe out every trace of
the Plasmodium!”

An icy glimmer
came into his eye. He rasped
malevolently:

“Though they must be tried
and all must die, save the straw-
berry blonde for me.”

-----------

“A cloud of cosmic
corndog smoke,” M pushed a black
key, “should slow them down.

Unpack the invi-
sibility cloak that had
been Queen Mebh’s nightgown.”

Pike held his nose dis-
gustedly, and to the nav-
igator turning,

“Ensign,” said he, “is
it just me, or is some-
one’s corndog burning?”

Soon putrid fumes filled
all the staterooms, and Captain
Pike’s smoke-ometer

flashed. “Chr-- sakes!” he slammed
on the brakes of the U. S.
S. Micrometer.

A silky voice spoke
in M’s ear: “We’ve got the queen’s
old nightgown unpacked

and are ready with
the fastening gear.” M smiled.
How Mebh had been stacked!

Pike rubbed his eyes, then
gasped as he peered through the smoke
at the viewing screen

as the space harem
disappeared, the strangest way
he had ever seen.

“They’ve wrapped it in some-
thing!” he shook his fist, then fell
forward with a crash.

M yawned, signed the new
yeoman’s checklist, and took a
sip of sour mash. -M


Well, that's all the Star Trek haiku. I will post my NaPoWriMos soon and will also be featuring a few artists this month and the next. Stay tuned.

Live long and prosper!

-Al